I have been in a reflective mood of late. I don’t know if it is the time of year, my ever increasing age, or the brand new baby I just met for the first time yesterday, but something has me thinking. Thinking about me, my life, and the choices that have led me to where I am today. I often wonder what would have happened if I had made one different choice. If I had applied myself more in school, if I hadn’t hidden behind my sister socially most of our lives, if I hadn’t run away from college when things got hard, or if I had run sooner. My dreams and my writings are littered with them; All the what if’s that have collected in my life just sitting around on little scraps of paper in my mind. Would I change my life right now today if I could? That is the question.
For all the pondering and wondering that I do, the answer I come up with the most often is no. However I got here, whatever short comings I feel I may have, I wouldn’t trade where I am for anything. This life of mine is pretty awesome, and I am happy in it. Of course there are days when I wish there was a nice boy holding my hand through it, or that I could take off and go spend a week in Italy just because I want to. I think we all have desires to be something and have something more than we have given ourselves so far. That doesn’t mean that I would change where I am. My life is full of family, friends, love, contentment.
Looking at my past is a jumbled mess of happiness, heartbreak, longing, disappointment, fun, craziness, mistakes and triumphs. I have battled through many things in my life, and I have come out the other side stronger with a great support system. If I hadn’t made those mistakes, had those good times, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am living a life made up of all those little choices, and if I changed even one of them I don’t know what my life would look like today. Would I be friends with my friends, would I be in the job I am in, would I still live at home?
What mundane and ordinary choices will I make today, and how will they effect my future self? How I deal with the next big challenge life throws my way could change the course of the rest of my life. If a year from now that guy that I have such a crush on shows up on my doorstep and asks me to go see the world with him, will I say yes? If I take the new job opportunities that are coming my way, will I have found my forever career? Life is made up of a series of small choices, what I choose today could easily change my forever.
I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know what the next choice is going to be, or how it will effect the rest of my life. I know that the choices I have made so far have led me to a pretty great present, and hopefully the choices I make from here on out will lead to a happy and content future.