I am in a mood.
It’s not a great mood.
I have been in this mood for a couple of weeks. I have a seemingly good day and one comment/person/situation interrupts my happy and BOOM, bad day. My temper/feelings have been right there at the surface, and I’ve taken to clenching my jaw again. Which causes headaches, which contributes to my mood.
I wasn’t going to blog tonight. I haven’t in a little bit because every time I sit down to write, whatever comes out annoys the patooki out of me. I was trying to come up with something to write about and I asked a friend to give me prompts. After rejecting her ideas I explained about my mood and that being why I didn’t respond to her thoughts, she then told me I should write about my mood. She explained that when I try to fill my writing with fluff and fillers, although I’m not feeling fluffy, the writing comes out flat. I responded by saying my life is made up of Fluff and Fillers. Which for the most part feels true, and might be contributing to the mood.
Perhaps it’s the weather, I mean 60’s and 70’s in December, this is unacceptable.
Perhaps it’s my co-worker that has a challenging personality and no working knowledge of what is and is not her job.
Perhaps it’s all these conflicting thoughts/convictions/feelings floating around in my head. I often describe myself as a liberal modern feminist, and a 1950’s housewife all mushed up into one. These two different women spend day after day going toe to toe about every topic you can think of. Some battles have already been won, and some opinions cemented. Some weren’t even battles but preconceived automatic opinions that couldn’t be argued if you tried. These constant battles of will tend to tire and confuse me. Who is right, who is wrong, who will win the argument?
Am I crazy?
That fun little bugger of a thought almost constantly tortures me. I think the answer is yes, but I also think that everyone is crazy in their own special way.
I also have conversations with other people in my head. I’ll insert myself into a situation and have an entire conversation with this other person, what each of us would say, and how the conversation plays out. It’s a past time of mine that I use to work through certain thoughts, or practice small talk as I am terrible at it. I was recently engaged in a “conversation” based on a dream that I had, and the ending of this conversation stopped me in my tracks. I thought, this should punch me in the gut, what this person just said should really impact my view on this subject. The fact that it didn’t made me uncomfortable. Why didn’t I feel more deeply about what this person said? Why didn’t I feel terrified after realizing that I wasn’t as impacted as I perhaps should have been? What does that say about me as a person?
So maybe that’s what this mood is about.
Me being utterly confused and uncertain about the trajectory of my life.
Or maybe I am suffering from some hormonal imbalance.
Maybe I’m just in a bad mood.